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Sunday, 15 February 2015

Trying to Conceive Update

I guess we are very over-due for an update on our current trying to conceive situation.  After all, this blog was created to help me get through both the struggles of trying to conceive, but also to discuss the impact that the process was having.

The 8th February 2015 saw us hit the 5 year mark of trying for our first child.  If our first pregnancy had carried to term, we would have a 3 year old that would be quickly approaching their 4th birthday.  If our second pregnancy had stuck, we would have just celebrated a 2nd birthday.  I still struggle to get my head round the fact that these potential babies would now be so old, we would be contemplating first school and nursery!

So much has changed in our 5 year journey, we have grown from newly-weds into life weary adults and I can honestly say that we are closer than ever.  They say that long term trying to conceive will either make or break a relationship and one of the most positive things to come from all of this is the bond that has strengthened between us.  If you support each other through miscarriages, intimate tests, false hope, crushing failure and can still find the topic of the porn on offer during semen analysis a hilarious subject rather than an embarrassing and depressing one, you will be together for the long haul.

My lowest point was in October 2012, we had just been advised that the memorial for our second miscarriage had gone ahead without our knowledge and I was separated from my husband as I had to take part in a hen party.  I was already feeling depressed and vulnerable, so when a friend announced at they party she was expecting I did not take the news well.  I said the mandatory congratulations, but I am ashamed to admit that everyone could see just how insincere it was.  I couldn't help but feel jealous and wish it were me.  When I finally got over myself a few hours later, I did apologise and explain it wasn't personal and how I really was happy for the Mum to be, but I still cringe every time I think of how all eyes turned to me during the announcement and how I really did not deal with it well.

In late 2013 and into 2014, something changed.  My husband became ill, scarily ill and life was no-longer about my quest for our first born, but the worry as to whether or not I was going to lose my husband.  When we learnt that things were not going to get better and the best we could hope for was for him to remain stable, our priorities and outlook changed.

Instead of constantly planning for a future and forever looking ahead, we realised that we had to focus on the now, enjoy what we have today and make new memories, because none of us know just how long we have left.

Instead of keeping friends safely behind a guard, I started opening up and joining in more.  My friends have been an amazing source of comfort and delight.  My closest friends know exactly when I need to talk, but equally when I don't want to answer questions or dwell on the latest bad news.  I feel blessed to share my life with such amazing people and they have been a big part of helping my husband and I start to integrate ourselves into the now.

Our new outlook also included us (trying) being more positive, yep things are pretty scary and can seem bleak, but we are also aware that we have so much more to be fortunate for and although the occasional spiral into self pity is allowed, it's not something that I permit either one of us to indulge in for too long.

Unfortunately we have been told that IVF is our only option, but very fortunately our IVF journey is about to start and even more amazingly we have been told that our best hope is ICSI and it is to be covered by the NHS!  Two fresh rounds and (hopefully) two frozen, I am so confident that we will manage the frozen cycles and even more confident that one of these four are going to result in our forever baby.

For now I am banning any research on the subject, I plan to go in to this just using common sense and the guidance from my health care team.  Of course I still think of what ifs? But I refuse to get drawn in to negative thinking as it's not good for stress levels - one of the supposed negative impacts on IVF.

Wish us luck x