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Thursday, 29 December 2011

HSG results

Just remembered that I completely forgot to update about my HSG results!

Well the procedure was as undignified and as painful as expected but the recovery was much better than anticipated.  The wonderful news is that I am apparently not blocked!  Initially I was saddened that we didn't have the reason for our infertility but now I am just glad that whatever is wrong will be simple to repair compared to a blockage.

Chris has to make an appointment in the New Year to be re-tested and then I guess we will be having another appointment with our specialist.

Well it has occurred to me over the last week or so that I seem to be in a really good emotional place right now 

I think that since our HSG I am feeling slightly more relaxed about it all. I don't need to rush around like a mad woman trying to fight the NHS to do more as it is slowly being done and I don't feel the need to fall pregnant this very second.

I think it is because I have managed to keep myself occupied and forced myself to socialise more with my friends that this has happened. I don't want to spend my life resentful and bitter, wallowing in a pit of self despair wondering what is wrong with me. I have no doubt that there is something preventing us from falling pregnant. Whether physical or psychological I am not too sure but obsessing over it sure isn't going to help.

I want to enjoy my life for now, do really immature and selfish things and not live a life of regret. I don't want to be 10 years down the line, still childless and wondering how I wasted my late twenties and early thirties on something that still hadn't happened. I want to learn new skills, maybe indulge in some more education, travel to places that I would never be able to afford with a baby and do things that parents are too restricted to do.

Sometimes I truly wonder if it is the actual baby I want or the fact that I want it because I can't seem to have it. I worry that when the baby arrives I will realise that life wasn't so bad before and perhaps we shouldn't have pushed so hard to become parents in our twenties when there are still so many things left to do. I know deep down that this wouldn't happen, yes I may long for a fitful nights sleep and being able to party without having a time to be home for and responsibilities that cannot be shirked but over-all I know I will make an excellent Mum but that doesn't mean I don't worry about these things.

For now I am going to focus on me, be self centred, selfish and truly indulgent. If a surprise pregnancy comes along then great but if it doesn't then I am going to try and live life to the fullest.

Nothing drastic like NTNP on the cards and I am still considering going vegan in February but for now I am trying the more relaxed approach to trying to conce

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

The Handmaid's Tale - A review by an Unwoman

The Handmaid's Tale is a dystopian novel written by Canadian author Margaret Atwood.  The bare bones of the plot is that after the population of America severely begins to decline (blamed factors are women choosing not to procreate, biological toxins from environmental chemicals and radiation fallout from a nuclear disaster) the government is assassinated and a new order takes over.  The new power wants to focus on re-populating the country and they feel that the best way to do this is to take away all power from women and relegate those that can to procreation.  Those in power are issued Handmaiden's a woman that is used solely to conceive, this concept is taken from Genesis 30:1;

When Rachel saw that she bore Jacob no children, she envied her sister. She said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I shall die!"
Then she said, "Here is my servant Bilhah; go in to her, so that she may give birth on my behalf, that even I may have children through her."

Women who have proven themselves in motherhood previously, or have been medically declared as fertile are given the choice of becoming Handmaiden's or being sent to the 'colonies' to carry out nuclear clean up - a short lived position.  Marriages of all are arranged and those men that are unmarried are forbidden to lie biblically with anyone else, a crime punishable by death.  The goal for all men is to acheive enough power and status in order to be assigned their own Handmaiden.  All women are powerless, even those married to high ranking 'officers' are wives in name only, they live lives separate to their husbands with all actions being controlled.

The Handmaid's Tale is a reflective account from a Handmaid, the narrative shifts between reflective accounts of the time before the new regime, the time during the initial change and her life as a Handmaiden.  The story is ended in such a way that it is unclear what becomes of the narrator, the author urges the reader to make up their own ending based on the evidence given.

I first read the Handmaid's Tale for my English Literature A Levels  during my late teens in about 2003.  I remember being genuinely surprised at how much I enjoyed this story, I was in my first year of sixth form and felt that this was the difference between being a child that was forced to read for schooling and a young adult that wanted to.
In my teens my whole sympathy was directed at the narrator.  I know now from re-reading that the author tried to achieve sympathy for all characters but I managed to over-look this the first time round.  I understand that the characters were not to blame for the Handmaid's situation, they were as much of a victim as she was.

As the book is solely focused on procreation I knew that this time round I may struggle with the theme.  I remembered from my previous read that the book spouts strong slurs against those that are unable to conceive and could remember all too clearly the terms such as Unwoman, barren and withered.  Battling with infertility myself I subconsciously sidled my allegiance from the narrator who I knew would be pregnant towards the end of the book and onto the wife of the commander who was unable to conceive herself.  I knew that the commander's wife was a detestable character with many flaws but re-reading I could empathise more with her.  

The wife is certainly cruel to the Handmaiden, she goes out of her way to assert their different statuses and even manipulates the Handmaid, putting her life at risk to get what she wants; a baby.  I can certainly understand her motives, not only does she have to face being branded as an Unwoman by society but she has to share her house with a woman that can and has conceived.  The wife also has to suffer the greater indignity of having to share her husband biblically with this woman.  The wife has no purpose in life, the Handmaid's are supposed to be vessels for children, their every move geared towards attaining this while the wives have nothing.

The more I read the more I could feel myself re-warming to the narrator.  Men are held in such high esteem that their is no acknowledgement to the possibility of them being sterile.  A Handmaiden is given the chance of 3 households to conceive with, each posting lasting no more then 2 years.  If they fail to conceive a healthy baby then they will be declared Unwoman and sent to the colonies, men are not tested and so the blame will lie solely with the woman even though the nuclear explosion would have rendered both genders with fertility problems.  The Handmaiden is manipulated by both the Officer and the Wife, the Officer wants companionship and 'romantic' sex and the Wife wants the Handmaid to sleep with another man in order for her to conceive.  All are illegal and punishable by certain death for the Handmaiden and wife, the Officer may escape with a lesser punishment depending on his importance.

Many would argue that the Handmaid's Tale is a feminist novel, I however disagree.  Their is a weak attempt to stop the novel being completely feminist in the character of Nick, this man risks his life to save the Handmaid.  It is a small token in comparison to the other male characters in the book.  
Luke the original husband is only ever mentioned in reminiscent passages, we know that he had a wife before the Narrator and that he was having an affair whilst still married which obviously calls his morals into question.  He also seemed slower to react to the significance of the situation when the power struggle first began.  The Narrator secretly believed he may have enjoyed having the sole power in the marriage when it came to finances and important decisions.
The Officer strikes me as a charmer of a man used to getting his own way through manipulation and bribery.  Although the narrator constantly voices that she feels sorry for him and that he isn't a bad man, he clearly is as he uses the situation to his full advantage and was one of the original leaders in implementing the Gilead structure.
The other minor men that may be mentioned are usually patrol men,  all seem to be in their teens and regarded as 'puppies' indicating that the narrator doesn't hold ill will against them even though they are part of the structure that has put her where she is.

I personally believe that the main theme of this novel is Sex and the power that comes with it.  Although this Gilead society has removed all power from women the Handmaiden is revered and although society may claim it is the clinical act of insemination that holds them in high esteem it is in fact for the carnal act of sex.
The Narrator constantly has subtle plays for power towards the men around her.  With the patrol men she would shimmy her hips or position herself in a minor provocatively way, she admits it is petty but relishes the power it brings.  The Officer initially wants her for companionship but this eventually turns into his need for 'normal' sex.  Although minor once the Narrator realises what it is the commander wants she does use this to her advantage to procure certain banned items such as hand lotion and magazines.   We also have the constant flash backs to hotel room sex sessions during the affair with her husband; he betrayed 'God' and his wife in order to have sex with her, this was the power she had over him.

I have been told that this is the best of Margaret Atwood's novels but I can't wait to read some more!

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Christmas Festiveness!

I haven't got bored of blogging it has just been an absolute nightmare for finding the time this month!  I was originally going to do a really long post at the end of the month featuring all of my crafty bits but I have now realised that if I do this it will take forever.  So with this in mind I thought I would upload the photo's that I have so far with a brief explanation of each.

Kitsch Apron

This beautiful apron almost didn't make it into the Christmas pile as I was so in love with it that I wanted to keep it all for myself!  The apron is made of a cute Ed Hardy style skull and roses fabric and the red ruched ribbon gives it the much needed feminine touch!  I will get round to posting a tutorial on this apron as I am sure other people would like to make it!

Cakes and Bakes

These were the first mince pies of the season!  The first Saturday of December was spent making scrummy mince pies and blue berry cupcakes - delish!

That is it for now but I will update with more when I have the time.

Slightly nervous as I have my HSG tomorrow, I am dreading it as lots of friends have said that it can be quite painful if the tubes are blocked.  Will let you all know how I get on!

Friday, 25 November 2011

First Fertility Appointment

Well the month has plodded on and we had our first appointment with the fertility specialist today.  I would love to say that I came away full of hope and smiles but that just isn't me.

I know I shouldn't grumble as it's NHS but I'm going to.  We were advised to allow 2 hours for our appointment and so we wasted a small fortune at the hospital car park making sure our ticket was valid for three only to be back in the car 30 minutes later :(  The actual appointment lasted about 15 minutes with the rest of the time walking to different departments to drop in paperwork.

The specialist was polite but blunt and straight to the point.  Usually this is something that I can appreciate but not when it comes to our infertility.  The plan of action is a HSG for me and another analysis for him.

Trying to focus on the fact that things are moving along and I am being tested but from things said at the appointment I have this sinking feeling that I am going to be fobbed off with my existing meds for longer if things come back clear for us both.  Problem is my GP already advised me that remaining on these particular meds for more then 12 months severely heightens the risk of ovarian cancer, unfortunately my specialist is adopting the attitude of; 'it will be fine because I say so'.  If I held any high hope that these will actually work then perhaps I would be more willing to take a gamble with my health in later life but the fact that I have been on them for 9 months now with no success is making me somewhat despondent.

Moving away from the dark cloud that is fertility plans are under way for Christmas!  I have this pet peeve with debt and Christmas, I love Christmas and believe that it's true nature shouldn't be sullied by accumulating masses of new debt to start the new year with.  Based on the fact that the bank is almost knocking the door the worry of extra debt is certainly hanging over my head.  It is for this reason (and the hope of enjoying a once in a lifetime trip to Japan next year) that I have decided that we will be having a home-made Christmas!

I will update once I have some more ideas and photo's!

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Complete Costume!

Well this has to be a lightening fast update as dinner is on the go and we are supposed to be rushing out to see a fire-work display with family this evening.

The distraction technique of costume making worked and once Saturday 29th October rolled around it was time to make my grand enterance in London as Alice.  Admittedly I originally thought I looked awesome, although I wasn't happy with my boots I was ecstatic with my dress and apron and from all of the lovely comments and requests from photo's with 'Alice' I truly thought I rocked.  Unfortunately when I saw a photo I realised that this wasn't quite so.  Being on the short side with gorgeous curves that I am usually proud of meant that the Victorian style dress made me look rather dumpy!  That said I am still proud of my creation, have a nosey for yourself!

The day was very enjoyable and I managed to get some new handbags at the same time!

Sadly my Nan suffered a stroke two weeks ago so much of my time has been spent travelling to and from the hospital to visit her.  We have been advised that she will need 24/7 care and I am gutted.  For most of my life my Nan has been pretty much my Mother, helping to raise me and looking out for me when needed.  It is awful to see her this way and I truly hope that she improves.  I am trying to focus on the positives and at the moment that is that despite some confusion that worsens when she is tried she is still my same Nanny to chat to and although her personality has altered slightly I still have my Nan.

After the Expo I needed something to occupy me and take my mind off of my poor Nan, so I started with the jewellery creations again!
I have made two different cycle tracker bracelets packed full of fertility related crystals!

The best thing about these bracelets is that the butterfly charm can actually be moved to keep track on what day in your cycle you are on meaning you shouldn't miss your fertile period!  Well aware that is is fertility related BUT when I am making it I am generally not thinking about trying to conceive.

I also have a commission for this piece so feel confident that once a few more designs are complete I will be able to start my own site!

Friday, 14 October 2011

The Proof May Be in the Pudding!

Well after the unexpected early arrival of that evil Monthly Monster I have realised that my first two week wait with my new cavalier attitude has passed!
Usually I will symptom spot like a woman possessed from about 3DPO but this month I have really taken a seat back and tried to cram in as many hobbies as possible, oddly it definitely helped to distract me.  Also instead of dissolving into a dark funk, or worse suffering a full snot and tears melt-down I just accepted it and went straight back to mentally planning my list of jobs today!  For me this is huge, I know I started this blog in an effort to try a new approach to trying to conceive, but I didn't actually think that it was going to work so well, or even so quickly!
Admittedly I am a little worried about my ever shortening luteal phase but I haven't felt the need to jump onto the internet and scour home remedies to lengthen it (can't promise I won't though!) and I am actually feeling fairly positive that this HASN'T been our month as I have big plans for the end of October that can now be followed through stress free!
Thinking back at the things I have done differently this cycle and the main difference seems to be that I didn't put any pressure on myself to achieve our little bundle of joy.  Later this month it will be exactly a year since we lost Sprout and I was convinced that I would be whipping myself into a frenzy trying to be successful this cycle so that I didn't have to face the anniversary with an empty womb.  I can honestly say that this thought hasn't crossed my mind for the whole cycle!
In a way it seems more fitting in honouring Sprout's memory that we didn't fall pregnant before the first anniversary of our loss.  If we had perhaps it would have felt more like Sprout was just a clinical failed attempt rather then a little bean that we both loved and hoped for.
So along with the lack of pressure I have also been indulging in a few hobbies!  I decided a few months back that I would be making fertility jewellery that contained crystals and stones that are known to be beneficial in conception, healing and protection.  Here is the first piece so far;
Fittingly it is a memorial piece to honour all those lost little ones.  If you are in the know then it is obvious what these earrings represent but they also have the ability to look like cute fashion earrings that don't actually have any symbolism other then looking good!  I know from experience that some women don't want the whole world to know their pain and struggles and so for them these earrings can still honour their babies without the risk of added prying questions.  I used tibetan and plated silver for the wings and findings and the stone is Rose Quartz, well known for it's physical and emotional healing properties,

I also have a great number of things to look forward to at the end of this month which I am sure has helped in the distraction department!  My lovely husband and I are going with friends to the MCM Expo in London on the 29th to indulge in all things geeky!  My costume of choice is American McGee Alice;

So when I would usually be sobbing into my breakfast about another failed month I am instead figuring out how to pull off this awesome costume!  So far I have managed to find a dress that only needed slight adjustments to achieve the right silhouette.  Unfortunately it is made of polyester and is in lilac making it extremely difficult to achieve the right colour.  After lots of internet research I have found some polyester dye that may work and have had to fork out £20 for a pot big enough to boil and dye the dress in.  Such a waste of a pot but if it achieves the right colour then it is a small price to pay!

I have also been exercising a little bit this month and I know that when I stick to it properly the endorphins release does help to stabilise my moods!  Steps are currently being taken to ensure that I can keep up some sort of regime in the coming months.  A bit of weight loss wouldn't exactly be a bad thing either as I usually like to enjoy a guilt free Christmas of food and booze but at this rate I will be watching the calories which simply will not do!

My current attitude may change in the coming days but I sincerely hope not.  Pictures of more jewellery creations and completed costume will of course follow!

Friday, 30 September 2011


Hello, my name is Danielle and I am a trying to conceive addict.  For the past twenty months all of my actions have revolved around trying to get that big fat positive, it is the first thing I think of when I wake, the last thing I fantasise about at night and more often then not the main thing that I dream about!
You name it and I have done it; the bedding schedule (varied each month), the medicine cabinet of supplements, legs in the air after bedding, hips elevated during bedding, the fertility diet, the yucky man made fertile mucus imitator, morning body basal temperature checks, ovulation predictor tests, abstaining before fertile period, exercising, not exercising, being a pessimist, visualising conception (no not the physical part!), crystal healing, wiccan spells, meditating, praying, monitoring my cycles, not monitoring my cycles, certain positions, no alcohol....phew the list is endless and very exhausting!
After a devastating miscarriage, a battle with my local health authority over testing, more tears and tantrums then I can count, feelings of bitterness that seem to worsen each month, fits of jealousy and more cycles of disappointment then I can bear, I realised that something has to change before I go completely insane!
This is my quest to try and find the lighter side of long term trying to conceive, my plan to try and claw back my easy going outlook, recapture my sense of self and to finally live a life that isn't trying to conceive obsessed, and most importantly to just have fun!