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Thursday, 29 December 2011

HSG results

Just remembered that I completely forgot to update about my HSG results!

Well the procedure was as undignified and as painful as expected but the recovery was much better than anticipated.  The wonderful news is that I am apparently not blocked!  Initially I was saddened that we didn't have the reason for our infertility but now I am just glad that whatever is wrong will be simple to repair compared to a blockage.

Chris has to make an appointment in the New Year to be re-tested and then I guess we will be having another appointment with our specialist.

Well it has occurred to me over the last week or so that I seem to be in a really good emotional place right now 

I think that since our HSG I am feeling slightly more relaxed about it all. I don't need to rush around like a mad woman trying to fight the NHS to do more as it is slowly being done and I don't feel the need to fall pregnant this very second.

I think it is because I have managed to keep myself occupied and forced myself to socialise more with my friends that this has happened. I don't want to spend my life resentful and bitter, wallowing in a pit of self despair wondering what is wrong with me. I have no doubt that there is something preventing us from falling pregnant. Whether physical or psychological I am not too sure but obsessing over it sure isn't going to help.

I want to enjoy my life for now, do really immature and selfish things and not live a life of regret. I don't want to be 10 years down the line, still childless and wondering how I wasted my late twenties and early thirties on something that still hadn't happened. I want to learn new skills, maybe indulge in some more education, travel to places that I would never be able to afford with a baby and do things that parents are too restricted to do.

Sometimes I truly wonder if it is the actual baby I want or the fact that I want it because I can't seem to have it. I worry that when the baby arrives I will realise that life wasn't so bad before and perhaps we shouldn't have pushed so hard to become parents in our twenties when there are still so many things left to do. I know deep down that this wouldn't happen, yes I may long for a fitful nights sleep and being able to party without having a time to be home for and responsibilities that cannot be shirked but over-all I know I will make an excellent Mum but that doesn't mean I don't worry about these things.

For now I am going to focus on me, be self centred, selfish and truly indulgent. If a surprise pregnancy comes along then great but if it doesn't then I am going to try and live life to the fullest.

Nothing drastic like NTNP on the cards and I am still considering going vegan in February but for now I am trying the more relaxed approach to trying to conce

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